Diary of a Fat White Woman

Ok so yea it’s been a few months since I’ve posted and I apologize. For a while I was really feeling down about things.

So what’s new you ask? Well last week I finally managed to find a dietitian (3rd one I contacted) who would take me on. I spent 2 hours with her and she told me I definitely wasn’t eating enough. She said I was eating about 1500 calories a day and I needed 2100. So she came up with a good meal plan for me and as of yesterday (Monday) I am going by that. It’s alot of food though and feels strange to be eating so much.

The biggest news is that I have joined Curves. I went in the other week and checked out their equipment and talked to them. They have times when it’s quiet in there with very few people which is what I wanted. I’m not ready to be jiggling around and struggling on equipment in front of other people. Their equipment holds upto 450 lbs and even though there are a few pieces I can’t get onto yet there are quite a few I can. So I joined up. I mentioned it to a friend and she had always wanted to try it but didn’t want to do it alone. So she went in and joined up too. Yesterday was our first session. We met with the trainers and were shown how to use each piece of equipment. It was hard work and my back and feet were killing me after but I felt good. I am a bit sore today but that is to be expected. Patty works 7-2pm so we go around 2:30/3:00 in the afternoon which means I have to take time from work but my boss is perfectly fine with that. He is very supportive (his wife had gastric bypass a few years ago so he understands the struggles).

So I weighed myself yesterday and was 451.5 lbs. I’m going to Curves again on Thursday. We’ll see how this goes. Stay tuned!!

Yea, my title says it all. So as my previous post said I was changing things around and trying something different. I started on January 1 at 453.5 lbs. January 4th I was down 3.5 to 450 and January 7 down another 1lb to 449. January 11 I was down another 1lb to 448 but gained it back over the weekend so was 449 on January 14th. I wasn’t too upset because my period started and I usually gain a bit right before it with bloating.

So my period is done and I should be back to normal. I stayed on track all week and did my weight exercises every evening for 10 minutes. I did nothing different from the week before and when I weighed myself today I had gained!!!! I am now 451 lbs. What the fuck?

It seems that every thing I try works the first week and then stops working and I gain it back. If I had the money I’d see a nutritionist but of course they are not covered by OHIP, which in my most humble opinion is fucking stupid. The government keeps complaining about the obesity in the country and WILL pay over $50,000 to cover my gastric bypass in another country (which should be a last ditch effort) but won’t pay for me to try other things first like seeing a nutritionist. Maybe I’ll write to the minister of health and complain.

Right now I’m just pissed and frustrated and watching my dreams of being thinner and actually having a life and getting out and doing things go right down the drain.

Well, as two people commented on my last post about not eating enough I’ve changed things around a bit. Starting Jan 1 these are my changes:

- weigh myself only twice a week (mondays and fridays)
- eat 2,000 calories a day
- do some weight exercises
- work on my procrastination issues

So, as of January 1 I weighed 453.5 lbs. Yea I gained a few over Christmas, of course. I then did the above mentioned items and weighed myself again on Friday and was down 3.5 lbs.

My boyfriend was over on the weekend and I found I wasn’t as regimented as during the work week (will have to work on that). However, when I weighed myself this morning I was down another 1 lb so now sitting at 449.

Continuing with things this week and see how things go.

My body just does not want to go below 438. It’s driving me crazy. I have tried everything. I did the less than 1000 calories a day, I did the 2litres of water a day. I am usually staying around 1500 calories a day. According to websites at my weight I’d need 3200+ calories a day to maintain. So why aren’t I losing weight????

Right now I’m sitting at 443.5. I stayed the same all week.

Work has been stressful and have been working hard and had a few issues with a friend that upset me the past few weeks. Plus my period is 2 weeks late.

There are times I get on the scale and see that it hasn’t moved all week and I just feel like giving up. Oh and guess what, my approval for the surgery expires next week and I have to reapply to insurance for it. Is this ever gonna happen? Even though I am not gaining my body/stomach feels heavier and hanging lower and when I stand it pulls on the muscles and is painful. Mobility is getting worse.

What is wrong with me.

So last weekend (Oct 13/14) was a bad weekend for me and I over ate and the wrong stuff. Went to a chinese buffet too and lots of sodium. So by end of weekend (Monday) I was back up to 446. So I started thinking and decided to try the water thing again. Meaning, drinking 2litres a day. So guess what, next day I was down to 443 and then Wednesday to 438.5 and then Thursday to 436.0. Then my chef called Wednesday to say he wouldn’t be in cause of car troubles and would be in Friday instead. Oh oh. No food in house. I managed to scrape together an omelette Wednesday night but Thursday night there was nothing. So I ordered Swiss Chalet. So Friday back to 438.5. Still, not bad with 7.5 lbs down in the week.

This weekend did relatively well I think food wise but didn’t drink much. I’m just not as regimented on weekends. I did pop on the scales this morning and I’m 438. Tomorrow I’ll start with the water again.

Iwant, nay need, this surgery really bad.

So this week in an effort to lose as much weight as I can for the surgery I decided to do as little calories as I could each day.

Monday - 850 calories - weight 442.5
Tuesday - 1200 calories - weight 440.5 (loss of 2lbs)
Wednesday - 1100 calories - weight 437.5 (loss of 3 lbs) - woohoo! 5lbs so far
Thursday - 1200 calories - weight 438.0 (gain of 0.5 lbs) - hunh?
Friday - day just started - weight 439.5 (gain of 1.5 lbs) - double hunh?

Ok so why am I now gaining the weight back? This is so stupid and frustrating!!! This is why I want the surgery. But the way I’m going I’ll never lose the weight they want me to before the surgery.

I really am sorry I haven’t updated in months. I’ve been so busy and since dad died just haven’t felt like doing much. Finally starting to get motivation back. So here’s a brief update….

May 15, 2007 - Got the approval from OHIP (provincial health insurance) for my surgery!! Woohoo. In an email from the surgeon’s office they said I had to lose 50 lbs before the surgery (”IN ORDER FOR THE SURGERY TO BE DONE LAPAROSCOPICALLY YOU WILL HAVE TO BE BELOW 400LBS”). I wrote back and said when I saw the surgeon he said only 10-15 lbs so she wrote back and said she spoke with him and he said 435lbs so that is good. I was thinking if I knew how to lose 50lbs I could probably lose the rest too but I don’t know how which is why I’m doing the surgery.

May 16/17, 2007 - Had my sleep study at the hospital. I hope to never go through that again. I had told them I was large and needed a bigger bed and they said ok. When I get there they put me in a room with a regular ward bed and a bunch of junk (looked like a storage room). I asked about the bigger bed and she said we have one but it has a weight limit on it. Well sheesh!! Anyway, bed was too small and I couldn’t turn over in it, plus having all those wires attached to me, well I didn’t sleep. And the bed aggravated my back which caused me great pain.

May 30, 2007 - Got a call from hospital to book second half of sleep study. This one apparently is something to do with the cpap. I do not want to do another sleep study but guess I have no choice. It’s scheduled for June 16th. Oh joy.

June 16/17, 2007 - Had my second sleep study. Wasn’t quite as bad as the first one as I knew more what to expect. Same bed and room though, which sucked. This time they had me wear the cpap machine. Took me a while to get used to it and for the first few minutes I had problems breathing. In the morning they did say though that my sleep was better. According to the results from the first sleep study I stop breathing on average about 18 times per hour and wake up about 19 times per hour. That was a bit of a shock to me. I came home with a prescription for a cpap machine.

June 21, 2007 - Got my new machine. Tried it out that night. Is definately going to take a while to get used to. Emailed the surgeon hoping that now I can be scheduled for surgery next month. Got a reply back that there are new hospital guidelines and that I must get down to 395 before they can schedule me!!! WTF. If I could lose 60 lbs on my own I wouldn’t be going for the surgery. Very bummed out now. They are going to have their nutritionist email me. One thing I should mention is that I really don’t eat much. There is no junk food in my home (no cookies, no chips, no candies, etc). Everyone who knows me is surprised I weigh what I do when I eat less than them.

July 25, 2007 - Not much to update on. Still trying to get used to the cpap machine. I hate it but I have to use it if I want the surgery. And weight loss is not going well. I tried the Atkins diet cause I know I’m a carb-a-holic so thought this diet may help. I went from 445 to 437 and then gained it all back again. At this point I am frustrated and depressed and see the hopes of the surgery dwindling away. The surgeon’s office put me in touch with their nutritiontist but she’s not been much help.

So there are the updates I’ve managed to post in my magazine. The surgeon called last week to see how my weight loss was going. He said they don’t make light of the struggle I am going through and want to help. They gave me the name of a doctor here who is an obesity specialist. Funny thing is he’s the one who recommended me for surgery. This week I am trying to stay below 1000 calories a day and try to get the weight off quickly so I can have the surgery. So yesterday I did 850 calories and actually felt pretty good going to bed. I woke up this morning ravenous though. Trying to stick to my guns if I can. I did lose 2 lbs overnight!!

I am finding my mobility is getting worse lately even though I’m not gaining. Walking on some days is very difficult. Last week I got my family doctor to approve my application for a handicapped parking permit.

I haven’t updated in a while cause May 20th my dad went into hospital and passed away May 24th. Things have been a bit hectic but I do have stuff to update you on. I will do so in the next few days hopefully.

Ok it’s been a while since I wrote. Nothing really to update you on. Still waiting on things. My sleep study got bumped up and it’s next week (May 16th). A very nice lady from the hospital called me yesterday and asked my weight. She had a note in their book saying I was overweight and had asked about a larger bed so she called to see how overweight. She was very understanding and said they’d give me their biggest bed and had noted that I was apprehensive. They are also ordering extra large gowns for me cause I mentioned I didn’t have pajamas or nightgowns that fit me and sleep in tshirt and undies. She even asked if I would need a wheelchair to get me to the section of the hospital they do the study in.

This week I ordered a new book called “Winning After Losing” by Stacey Halprin. She has been on Oprah off and on for the past 20 years. She weighed over 500lbs and had gastric bypass surgery and lost over 350lbs. She wrote a book about how to keep the weight off after you lose it. The book came today and I’ve just read the introduction and saw myself in it so much.

I was thinking about when I first became overweight. Looking back at pictures I was always a bit chubby but I think it was junior high and high school it started getting worse. I wish I knew why. Part of her book talks about learning the issues of why you overeat. I remember in high school sneaking food and eating it the bathroom as quick as I could before my mother found out. It was worse after I got my first job. I worked at a drug store and on my break would grab a bag of chips and pop and chocolate bar and snack on it.

I struggle every time I leave the house with all the fast food places. They talk to me. When I know I am going out my thoughts immediately go to what I could get. Will it be McDonalds and get a big mac? Or Tim Hortons and an ice cap and some timbits. I need to figure out why. I’m not hungry, I know that’s not the reason. I don’t remember ever having been abused as a child. So what are my issues? This should definately be an interesting journey.

So today, my mum, sister and I left at 7am and drove down to Canton NY to meet with the doctor. His assistant, Sandy, was very nice and gave us alot of good information.

Dr. Brackman was very nice too. He went over the surgery a bit and said that in the 10 years he’s been doing gastric bypass surgery he’s not had one death, so that is good news. He is very thorough and ensures all tests are done and good. One such test that I hadn’t been aware of is a sleep disorder test to see if I have sleep apnea. He said that it’s more than likely someone of my size does and if so I MUST use the cpap machine for a month before the surgery. No exceptions. If I don’t, then he doesn’t do the surgery. Oh and I need to lose about 15 lbs before the surgery which shouldn’t be that big of a deal (I hope).
Ok, so waiting times as they are here in Canada, I’m expecting it to be at least a month or so before I get into to do the test, then who knows how long after before the diagnosis is sent to my doc and I get the machine and then another month to use it. So the operation is slipping further away on me again.

And, I don’t know why but I am more anxious about the sleep test than the actual surgery. I’ve cancelled tests in the past because I don’t want to do them. Reasons:

1. I don’t sleep in strange places - even hotels I need a few nights to get accustomed
2. hospital beds are too small for me… I use a queen size bed at home and need the whole thing to turn over because of my stomach (which seems to be a separate entity)
3. I can’t sleep on my back due to weight of chest and stomach. I can’t sleep on my stomach. So if I get onto my side easily in the little slip of a bed they use, I won’t be able to move and I MUST move. I toss and turn all night.

So I envision not sleeping the whole night, being miserable and cranky and them not being able to make a diagnosis. So then what? Will the doctor do the surgery anyway?

I was miserable on the way home and really didn’t want to be around anyone, but of course I had my mum and sister in the car. They tried to get me to talk about it but I really didn’t want to. I was crabby and cranky.

Oh, the surgery is done on a Wednesday but you meet with them the day before. You are discharged on the Friday but have to stay in town at the hotel until you are totally discharged the Wednesday after. So you plan to be there at least 9 days.

Anyway, I’ll call my doctor on Monday and get them to set up the sleep test. Not looking forward to it but I gotta do it if I want the surgery.